EAST RUTHERFORD REGION
9:45 PM ET No. 12 Arkansas Razorbacks at No. 5 USC Trojans
I’m getting tired, so this is how I’m going to end Round One: “I’m gonna bleed you like a stuck pig.” Edge: USC Trojans
Mar
15
EAST RUTHERFORD REGION7:25 PM ET No. 13 New Mexico State Aggies at No. 4 Texas Longhorns
It seems like every other mascot that I research makes me shake my head in disbelief. I want to go on the record right now saying that The Greatest Generation gave birth to The Worst Generation. The Baby Boomers are really trying their damnedest to suck the fun out of life and ruin everything. Maybe I will actually continue to blog after March Madness is over and expose The Worst Generation.
The reason for my digression: NMSU’s teams have always been known as the Aggies, a nickname referencing the school’s agricultural history. Their mascot was known as Pistol Pete – a cowboy-looking gent who rocked a pistol. Well, in 2005, the school decided that they wanted to give their national image a makeover, so they replaced Pete’s pistol (his namesake, mind you) with a lasso. A freaking lasso.
I can see the logic here: let’s trade in the relatively sophisticated weapon of death for a more barbaric weapon of torture and eventual death. Not only are we still violent, but we’re dumb hicks, too! It only took NMSU a year to realize just how retarded this move was, and they let ol’ Petey have his pistol back in 2oo6. Still the damage has been done.
Before uncovering this information, I was leaning toward a Longhorn victory anyway. I mean, if the Aggies are all about agriculture, then they definitely need the Longhorns to survive or the fields won’t be plowed. But if the Aggies are afraid to use their pistols, then there’s no way that they can make a loop wide enough to fit around the heads of the longhorns. Edge: Texas Longhorns
Mar
15
SAN JOSE REGION
9:30 PM ET No. 13 Holy Cross Crusaders at No. 4 Southern Illinois Salukis
To answer everyone’s question, a Saluki is a breed of dog that is a member of the sighthound family. This means that they hunt by sight, not scent (creative name! Opium mustn’t have hit the mainstream yet). It’s an extremely old dog breed that originates from the Middle East. To sum it all up, it’s a weird looking dog.
The Da Vinci Code has certainly warped the masses’ opinions about the Crusades, but in the end, it was a violent time in the church’s history where they waged a series of military conflicts from 1095-1291. Whatever they were searching for, they sure took it out on those Muslims. I’m so glad that we’ve been able to put these differences behind us almost 1000 years later.
The Crusaders come to the party with Swords, Shields, Helmets, and, the coolest of all, chain mail. Ain’t no way a wimpy looking dog is biting through that stuff. And, since we know just how much the Christians hate the Middle Easterners, the Crusaders will have a little extra motivation to slaughter this pup. Upset city, baby! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! Edge: Holy Cross Crusaders
Mar
15
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Mar
15
SAN JOSE REGION
7:10 PM ET No. 12 Illinois Fighting Illini at No. 5 Virginia Tech Hokies
At this time, I’d like to turn serious for a moment. I’ve made a lot of tongue-and-cheek comments today, some of those may be insulting to certain people. But now I’d like to recognize a moment of silence in memory of an American Icon: Chief Illiniwek. On Tuesday, the University caved into PC pressure and voted to rescind the Chief as the school’s mascot.
Now, Chief Illiniwek was a fictional character, named after a group of six Native American tribes known as the Illiniwek. During halftime of games, Chief Illiniwek would entertain the crowd with a traditional (and rather horrible) dance. Some deemed this action as a process that perpetuated stereotypes and hate. Yes, not all Native Americans wear headdresses and dance around, so we shouldn’t instill this image in our children. Well it’s a good thing then that all Irish people like to kick the shit out of each other or we’d probably have a potato gun war on our hands. Seriously though, how can one group ban a dancing Indian and allow another savage Indian to ride a horse onto the center of a field and chuck a flaming spear into the ground? I mean everyone knows that Native Americans are too drunk to ride horses.
As for the Hokies, this is another fictional character derived from and old VTech fight song. I wonder if this is this first time ever that two imaginary mascots matched up against each other. But no matter how many magical powers a turkey-like Hokie possesses, the spirit of Illiniwek lives on and he will not allow the Illini to go quietly into the night.
Besides, if Thanksgiving taught us one thing, it’s that Indians eat turkeys. Click here to see the Chief’s final dance and to experience what the fuss was all about. Edge: Illinois Fighting Illini
Mar
15
ST. LOUIS REGION7:20 PM ET No. 9 Purdue Boilermakers at No. 8 Arizona Wildcats
This match up does nothing for me. A Boilermaker is a trained craftsman who produces steel fabrications. The name comes from manufacturers who would fabricate boilers. Seabass made it sound so much cooler.
Wildcats are wildcats; we’ve covered that. Honestly, I can’t ever see these two fighting in a real life scenario. The only thing I have to go on is this: after a long day of work, the Boilermaker stops of at the local bar to have some, what else, boilermakers. After 3 or 4 of them, Rosie starts to look good. In order to avoid a tongue lashing from the wife, the Boilermaker jumps in his F-150 and buzzes home. Since it’s trash day, he decides to play slalom with the trashcans. His first round is nearly flawless and as he takes the second course on School Street, he hears a horrible squeal coming from the fifth group of cans. Wildcat, smush. Edge: Purdue Boilermakers
Mar
15
ST. LOUIS REGION4:55 PM ET No. 14 Miami (OH) Red Hawks at No. 3 Oregon Ducks
I did mention this before, but this is absolutely a true story. Senior year of college, we lived in a dorm called the Mods that had a shared backyard During Springtime, two ducks began nesting in our backyard. One appeared to have an injured wing, because he chilled all night and day under a bush, never flying more than a few inches off the ground. We bought a large bag of seed and dumped it on the patio and he would waddle out at times to grab some grub. We named him Saul.
One day, a freaking hawk came out of no where and sunk its talons right into the back of Saul, pinning him down to the ground (the other duck flew off like a coward). For the next hour or so, the hawk wore out the duck by pecking at its neck, head, and back while digging his claws deeper and deeper into Saul’s body. Every once in a while, Saul would muster up the strength to try and fly away, but he would only get a few feet off the ground before plummeting back to Earth. The whole time, the hawk remained perched on Saul’s back, never wavering.
Of course, like the sick fucks that we are, 10-12 of us were outside drinking beer, watching in awe, periodically chanting until the Hawk successfully separated Saul’s head from his body. My friend Abe took some National Geographic-esque photos, but he’s living in South Africa now and I think he lost them. Uka Agbai was also there wearing a neck brace. Uka, do you remember that? (Great line: “I’m not going over there. Shits got talons!”)
Oh yea, and it was Parent’s Weekend. Across the way at the girls’ Mod, one Mother eventually came out with a bucket of water and threw it on the pair, attempting to separate them. This only caused the hawk to dig in deeper. She then proceeded to yell at us for not helping the duck. Hey lady, it’s nature. If we helped Saul, not only would one animal have died but another would have gone without dinner. We should have thrown the bird seed at her to see if the hawk would attack her next. Edge: Miami (OH) Red Hawks
Mar
15
ST. LOUIS REGION2:35 PM ET No. 11 Winthrop Eagles at No. 6 Notre Dame Fighting Irish
ND always has trouble with those damned Eagles. But this is a different opponent. These eagles have come into the tournament as a cocky, elitist bunch, having been given their highest ever NCAA seed. But they are forgetting one thing: drunken Irish men will fight anything. If Mics will regularly beat their women, then they won’t have any problem in punching the Christ out of a “majestic” bird. In fact, I could see this being a new drinking game in the pub: chug a couple of pints and see who can be the first to shatter the beak. Then go home and impregnate the missus. Edge: Notre Dame Fighting Irish
Mar
15
ST. LOUIS REGION
12:25 PM ET No. 10 Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets at No. 7 UNLV Runnin’ Rebels
I freaking hate bees. When I was 8, I drove my big wheel right into an underground nest of yellow jackets and they stung the bee-jesus out of me (cue the laugh track). 20 something stings in all. I still scream like a girl when I see one.
UNLV is a case of another school swapping mascots midstream. The old mascot was named Beauregard. Bo was a black and white wolf dressed in a Confederate uniform. In fact, the mascot was created as a jab at the Wolf Pack of Nevada, who had a Northern looking wolf. It took the genius school administrators a few decades to realize that they may appear slightly racist by promoting a member of the “wrong side” of the civil war, but they eventually did come to their senses and implemented Hey Reb, who is designed to represent a Colonial-like Rebel soldier.
In this Man vs. Insect battle, I’m going to have to confront my fears and believe that Georgia Tech has the best shot. Think about it: the EpiPen wasn’t around during the 1800s. If a swarm of bees can get to the Rebs, they simply don’t have the medical advancements to combat the effects of multiple stings. They better turn into the Out Runnin’ Rebels and fast. Unless UNLV can turn this game into a track meet, GTech will buzz into the next round. Edge: Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets
Mar
15
SAN ANTONIO REGION2:50 PM ET No. 10 Creighton Blue Jays at No. 7 Nevada Wolf Pack
Blue Jays sure are purtty, but I don’t think that will help them against a pack of wolves. The bright blue feathers don’t exactly act as a camouflage.
But blue birds make me think of Zip-ah-dee-do-dah. Zip-ah-dee-do-dah makes me think of Disney. Disney makes me think of Splash Mountain and the Briar Patch. I swear, when I was there with my family, the little figurines in that ride kept singing over and over again: “Pretty good, show us your balls.” Anyone know what the lyrics to that song actually are? Edge: Nevada Wolf Pack
