Thursday’s Early Games – Man vs. Beast

The moment you’ve all been waiting for.  Below are my first picks for the tournament.  As a reminder, the 1 and 2 seeds all get an automatic bid into the Second Round, which is too bad because I would have liked to have seen the “Disrespected” Purple Eagles clash talons with the Jayhawks.  Ohio St., UNC, Kansas, Florida, Memphis, Georgetown, Wisconsin, and UCLA all move on.  Following are my picks for the Thursday games, grouped by region:

ST. LOUIS REGION 

12:20 PM ET  No. 13 Davidson Wildcats at No. 4 Maryland Terrapins 

This is how I like it.  Right out of the gate we have an interesting matchup against two backwoods warriors . Another reason I like this matchup is because it immediately exposes the intricacies of this March Mascot method.  Now, some less educated folk would take one look at this game and move the Wildcats into Round 2 without another thought (and yes, I’m just bitter ’cause she stole my idea).  But have you ever actually looked up the definition of a “wildcat”?. It’s a small to midsized wild cat.  Brilliant!  I wish someone could explain to me why this is such a popular mascot.  Sure, it sounds scary at first, but my grandmother has a wildcat living in her backyard down in St. Croix and the thing is a pussy. 

The Terrapins evoke an opposite initial assumption: slow, old, stupid.  But Testudo,
Maryland’s Mascot, is a badass Diamondback Snapping Turtle . While this North American Emydidae is an edible dish , have you ever encountered a large snapping turtle in real life?  Effing frightening.  I have 11 words for you: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Two, the Secret of the Ooze, Tokka. Chuck Berry put it best in the lyrics to My Dingaling.     

Definitions aside, there’s no way in hell that a wildcat’s teeth can penetrate a snapper’s shell.  The terp will chill in its shell until the wildcat dies of a combination of eventual starvation and stupidness.  Maryland will shutdown Davidson defensively, starving them for hoops.  Edge: Maryland Terrapins.  

2:40 PM ET No. 12 Old Dominion Monarchs at No. 5 Butler Bulldogs 

ODU enters as the cockiest team in the field of 65 by far.  “We are the Old Dominion Absolute Rulers!!!  YAY!”  And instead of just having their mascot be a King with a Crown, they insult our intelligence by pretending to be a bunch of Lions.  What a clever pun.  Christ.  They should just change it to the ODU Giant Douches.    

I’ve always liked bulldogs.  Despite their poor immune systems, there’s something about those little guys that scream toughness.  The British used to use these stocky dogs in a bloodsport called Bull-baiting.  Essentially, the Brits would tie a bull to a post and then have trained fighting bulldogs jump up and attempt to suffocate the pull by latching onto its snout (although, I must say, this does sound kind of cool).  Did you know that they had cruelty to animals votes back in 1802?  But of course, the Giant Douches defeated the anti bull-baiting law that year and didn’t get around to realizing it was immoral until 30 years later.   

Since the bulldog is often a symbol of integrity and honor, the ODU Giant Douches wouldn’t dare harm an animal that provides such a high status symbol.  Man’s best friend prevails by default.  Edge: Butler Bulldogs. 

EAST RUTHERFORD REGION

12:25 PM ET No. 10 Texas Tech Red Raiders at No. 7 Boston College Eagles 

Even if you don’t think the blog is entertaining, if nothing else, you’ll learn something here. 

Did you know that Texas Tech has two mascots?  Tech’s original mascot is known as The Masked Rider.  He appeared in 1936 when George Tate led the football team onto the field on an ebony horse that he stole as a prank.  Much like Herpes Simplex II, the trend quickly spread.  However, in the 1970’s the Southwest Conference banned live mascots from appearing at home games unless the host school allowed it (around the same time, the Southwest banned evolution from being taught in schools – I’m not sure if they ever caught up after that one).  Hence, the school unveiled Raider Red, a Yosemite Sam-like mascot.  Raider Red isn’t so bad, adorning an oversized cowboy hat and a pair of six shooters.  But the original Masked Rider wins my award for the gayest mascot ever.  He’s like Zorro pronounced with a lisp. 

BC enters the tourney with the standard eagle and, much like Tech, originally had a live animal as a mascot.  The first were two eagles given as a gift.  According to Wikipedia, one escaped and the other broke its beak trying.  Next, Boston College housed Margo the Eagle, who died in 1966 of a virus (I’m guessing from the name that the virus was related to diabetes and heart disease).  Since the Bald Eagle has become an endangered species, the Eagles have now unleashed Baldwin the Eagle to the collegiate world.  Baldwin has been well received by the fair-weathered Eagle fan base.  

As for the matchup, Tech is surely suffering from a case of dual personalities.  There’s an internal struggle between the ever manly Raider Red and his eternally effeminate counterpart, Masked Rider.  Tech will have locker room issues  for sure and the Masked Rider with cry off into the sunset after the Eagle tears a hole in his satin cape and poops in his hat. Edge:  Boston College Eagles  

2:40 PM ET No. 14 Oral Roberts Golden Eagles at No. 3 Washington State Cougars 

It would have been better if they were the Oral Roberts Incisors.  I’m sure there’s a sexual innuendo in there somewhere too, but it’s 11:15 at night and I had a brain burner of a day, so I’m fried. Instead, the school went with the Golden Showers Eagles. They do get extra points for whoever designed their logo.  Looks like Foghorn Leghorn if he worked out with Greg Anderson. 

Cougars are cool.  I was a cougar in Pop Warner and those were by far my best years.  Not only are Cougars slick looking, but they even feed on large cattle and horses.  This is a no brainer. Edge:Washington State Cougars

5:00 PM ET No. 11 George Washington Colonials at No. 6 Vanderbilt Commodores 

In my opinion, this is the toughest pick of the round.  This is our first human vs. human matchup and, coincidentally, these two groups of people are actually from the same era.  It’s a Mascot Madness Miracle.   Now anyone who read a 3^rd grade history book is relatively familiar with America’s original 13 colonies.  And those of us who were privileged enough to take that 8^th grade class trip to Williamsburg/DC may even have seen someone make a candle or relieve themselves in a wooden chair!  These were our most industrious ancestors.   

A Commodore is the second highest rank that one can obtain in the Naval Forces. This is a hardworking, stern man who has made himself into a leader (think Commodore Norrington).  Sounds like a hell of a fight if a bunch of these bad asses show up.  However, this definition is not where Vandy gets its mascot name.  Vanderbilt was named after the American entrepreneur Cornelius Vanderbilt who made his money in the shipping and railroad trades.  Since he “commanded” a fleet of merchants, he earned the nickname Commodore (fast fact, Cornelius married his cousin  in 1813 and they had sex at least 13 times).  All in all, he sounds like an elitist, sicko wimp to me.  However, Vandy does get bonus points for having Lionel Richie on the squad.      

So since the Commodores in this case are sea merchants, we’re going to have to go with GW in this one.  I mean, hey, we’ve all heard what those drunken colonials did in the Boston
Harbor and we’ve seen how much ass they can kick in The Patriot.  Did you know that for inspiration in that movie, Mel Gibson envisioned himself as a soldier in Auschwitz?  True story. Edge: George Washington Colonials  

7:20 PM ET No. 9 Michigan State Spartans at No. 8 Marquette Golden Eagles 

Since I’ve already explained my new found love for Sparta in a recent post and I’ve already bounced one set of Golden Eagles from the tourney, I’m going to have to go withMichigan
State in this one. 

The only way I can see Marquette pulling it out is if the Eagles are able to get under the Spartans man skirts and pecker the peckers with their peckers.  Then again, Spartans do have balls of steel.  Edge:Michigan State Spartans.    

 SAN ANTONIO REGION 12:40 PM ET No. 11 Stanford Cardinal at No. 6 Louisville Cardinals 

And you thought the Masked Rider was confused (andy dick). Cardinal vs. Cardinals.  I seriously think the Selection Committee is screwing with me.   

I’m not going to lie: there are going to be some inconsistencies in my comments.  I’m sticking with what works, so unless you have something amusing to say, don’t say it at all.  I bring this up because according to my sources, Stanford has had 3 mascots over the years and I’ll be forced to choose one.   In 1930, the school adopted the “Indians” as their mascot.  In ‘72, President Richard Lyman instituted that the name be dropped after Native American objections.  Since cardinal had been the school’s color since the 1800’s, the school was known as the Cardinals from 72-81.  Follow?  It gets better.  Even though this is a plural word, Cardinals referred to the color, not the bird (BWAH?!?).  In ‘81, someone decided to smarten up and drop the “S.”  But after all of this, since Stanford was one of the first to play the P.C. card and drop the Indian moniker, they made themselves known as the original tree huggers. From this forbidden love, the albatross known as the Stanford Tree was born.  One part Redwood, one part Charles Thatcher.    

Unlike Stanford, Louisville got it right the first time.  They are the Cardinals; a bird, plain and simple.  Honestly, the only better draw that Louisville could have hoped for would have been Creighton (Blue Jays).  And since I’m picking the Stanford Tree as the mascot in this game, the Cardinals pick away at the bark (and the lead that Stanford will amass early) and crap all over the tree.  Edge: Louisville      

3:00 PM ETNo. 14 Pennsylvania Quakers at No. 3 Texas A&M Aggies 

Quakers….hahahahahahahahahahaha.  Are they serious?  Tis a sucky mascot me thinks.  They should construct their arena in the shape of a barn and have the fans wear chastity belts in support.  They could make a lot of noise if they banged on their crotches with their fists.     

I’ll wait until next round to look up the definition of an Aggie.  For this game, I won’t need it. Edge: Texas A&M Aggies. 

9:30 PM ETNo. 9 Xavier Musketeers at No. 8 Brigham Young Cougars 

I’m starting to really like Xavier.  We’re all relatively familiar with the definition of a Musketeer, but for those who haven’t seen Martin Short’s second best film, Musketeers were early French soldiers who where equipped with, eh hem, muskets.  They also carried long swords with them into battle.  Since the French were such pussies, if they missed their opponent with their gun, the sword allowed them to still defend themselves while cowering in terror.  Most of the time, the opponent was so excited that the bullet missed him – mainly because gunpowder was a relatively new and magical thing – that he would then charge haphazardly right into the blade.  

Xavier also has an ace in the hole.  Along side their traditional mascot, D’Artagnan, stands the amorphous Blue Blob Blue Blob looks a lot like a more out of shape Grimmace.  Or maybe if Grimmace had gasternol bypass surgery and was carrying around Jared from Subway skin (coincidentally, Blue Blob is legitimately my new nickname on my indoor soccer team – changed from Blue Streak).     

While we have already covered the Cougars and given them a star rating, I’m not sure if a cougar can compete with men with guns and swords.  Even if the Musketeers aren’t good shooters, they can fend the Cougars in close.  Look for Xavier to shoot poorly, but play solid defense in a brutal game.  Edge: Xavier 

SAN JOSE REGION 

7:10 PM ET No. 11  Virginia Commonwealth Rams at No. 6 Duke Blue Devils 

Every year that I use this method, I’m going to run into one fundamental problem: can anyone beat a Blue Devil?  Aside from the Providence Friars or the Holy Cross Crusaders, there aren’t any mascots who can matchup at first glance.  Normally, I wouldn’t mind putting Duke right into the Final Four, but this year’s team isn’t Laettner’s Dukies, so I did a little more research into the Blue Devils. 

As it turns out, the Duke Blue Devils have nothing to do with satanic worship.  The name Blue Devil comes from the French Chasseurs Alpins Soldiers in World War I.  These French ninnies wore tight fitting blue uniforms and flowing capes.  They topped off the ensemble with a blueberry beret.  This was actually going to be the original title to Prince’s 1985 hit, but he had a hard time saying it 3 times fast.  

Since the game is being played in Buffalo during the cold months, I initially thought the Rams had an advantage.  However, the Alpin Soldiers were specifically trained to fight in mountainous terrain and in urban areas, thereby neutralizing home field advantage. As much as it pains me to move them forward, it appears as though the Blue Devils will be able to ward off the charging Rams with their weapons (Dukies are such cheaters).  It will be a close game, though.  Edge: Duke Blue Devils   

9:30 PM ET  No. 14 Wright State Raiders at No. 3 Pittsburgh Panthers 

I was really amped to put my first true upset into the Second Round, but apparently Wright State is also a bunch of hippies.  Check this out from Wiki: “For many years,Wright State’s sports teams used a character called Rowdy Raider as their mascot; a red-bearded Viking with a horned helmet. Recently, the university, seeking a non-gender-specific mascot, adopted a wolf as its mascot.”  What the hell is wrong with people?  I mean, I understand if some folks find certain mascots offensive, but this is crossing the line.  Using this reasoning, the school should change their name to the Wright State Trannies.  Society is frustrating. 

So this game went from a Wright State blowout into a close matchup.  However, due to the hunting styles of Panthers vs. the hunting styles of a wolf pack, I’m going to have to stick with Wright State on this one.  The wolves have the edge in terrain, weather and sheer will.  Edge: Wright State Raiders

9:45 PM ET No. 10 Gonzaga Bulldogs at No. 7 Indiana Hoosiers 

We’ve covered the Bulldog already and, again, they are fortunate to matchup against another human opponent.  From what I’ve uncovered, in colonial America, “cracker” and “hoosier” were slang terms to identify white farmers who did not own slaves.  This didn’t mean that they weren’t racist, but mostly they didn’t own large plantations.  Since Indiana was home to many of these small farms nestled in between the hills, the name Hoosier stuck.  However, since many of these farmers had small crops, they were often poor and conversely, illiterate.  So in the 1800’s, Hoosier referred to a slow-witted white farmer who was poor and uncouth.  Yet, it’s not considered a derogatory term in Indiana …

On the other hand, bulldogs are pretty smart.  Additionally, bulldogs are a symbol of cash and culture.  Therefore, I don’t think a poor white farmer would ever harm a rich tourist’s dog, for fear of losing his home.  Edge: Gonzaga Bulldogs