No. 12 Long Beach State 49ers vs. No.5 Tennessee Volunteers

SAN ANTONIO REGION

2:35 PM ET  No. 12 Long Beach State 49ers at No. 5 Tennessee Volunteers

Of course, the 49ers are named after the folks who headed up the California Gold Rush  of 1848.  At first, some 300,000 people went back to Cali and made a big score at and around the Sutter Mill.  But greed quickly drew many more settlers to the west coast and the area was quickly overmined.  So, the white gold diggers spread like weeds and pushed out the current settlers: the Native Americans (surprise, surprise). The Native Americans attacked in an effort to preserve their land, but the white man had too much fire power (read: guns) and the Native Americans were slaughtered.  You know, you’d think that the PC police would be less concerned with those mascots who serve as a tribute to the Native Americans and more concerned with the schools who idolize those folks who actually had a hand in the slaughter.  Sometimes we just concentrate on the wrong things…

Conversely, the Volunteers were motivated by pride, not greed.  These average Joes loaded up their muskets and played a huge role in the War of 1812.  According to history books, the Vols had a hand in the Battle of New Orleans, where 385 Brits were killed to the U.S.’s 13.  Still, as an old football coach once told me, “If you ain’t cheating, you ain’t trying.”  The insatiable greed that cause the 49ers to uproot their families in search of wealth and then kill those in there way makes for an uneasy feeling in my stomach.  While the Vols have heart, I could see the 49ers emploring some nasty tricks to kill their counterparts and, before they’re even in the ground, sleep with their widowed wives. Edge: Long Beach State 49ers

No. 13 Albany Great Danes vs. No. 4 Virgina Cavaliers

SAN ANTONIO REGION

12:15 PM ET  No. 13 Albany Great Danes at No. 4 Virginia Cavaliers

The University at Albany has a bit of interesting history that tells the story of the mascot.  It appears as though UA was formerly a part of the New York State College for Teachers.  NYSCfT mascot name was, you guessed it, the Penguins!  In 1965, in order to reclaim their own identity, the school replaced “Pedwin” the Penguin with a Great Dane named Damien.  The dog was chosen because of its strength, courage, stamina and speed.  Unfortunately, Scooby Do came along four years later and tarnished this image.  In 2003, the generation who grew up with Scrappy Do voted in Lil’ D in a classic Ron Borges, I’m-stealing-your-idea, move.

As for Virginia, I guess I had the wrong impression of what a Cavalier is.  I thought perhaps it was a swashbuckling warrior in the Count of Monte Cristo vein.  But the recurring definition that keeps popping up is that a Cavalier was the name used by Parliamentarians for a Royalist supporter of King Charles I. Apparently, they were fond of “extravagant” clothing and had long curly hair. Much like our friend The Masked Rider, the Cavs sound like nothing more than men in tights.

I’m really torn with this pick.  The research leads me to believe that the Cavs would resemble Shaggy to the Albany Scoobies rather than an enemy.  And if you’ve never seen a Great Dane up close, they could seriously put your whole head  in their mouths without even bending down.  I’m convinced.  Edge: Albany Great Danes

Friday’s Games – PC Police

And now onto the Friday games.  A quick glance at the matchups tells me that there are going to be some tight games and even biggers upsets on this day.  Let’s get to the picks…(did anyone actually read the first ones in their entirety?)

SAN ANTONIO REGION

12:15 PM ET  No. 13 Albany Great Danes at No. 4 Virginia Cavaliers

The University at Albany has a bit of interesting history that tells the story of the mascot.  It appears as though UA was formerly a part of the New York State College for Teachers.  NYSCfT mascot name was, you guessed it, the Penguins!  In 1965, in order to reclaim their own identity, the school replaced “Pedwin” the Penguin with a Great Dane named Damien.  The dog was chosen because of its strength, courage, stamina and speed.  Unfortunately, Scooby Do came along four years later and tarnished this image.  In 2003, the generation who grew up with Scrappy Do voted in Lil’ D in a classic Ron Borges, I’m-stealing-your-idea, move.

As for Virginia, I guess I had the wrong impression of what a Cavalier is.  I thought perhaps it was a swashbuckling warrior in the Count of Monte Cristo vein.  But the recurring definition that keeps popping up is that a Cavalier was the name used by Parliamentarians for a Royalist supporter of King Charles I (Charles in Charge).  Apparently, they were fond of “extravagant” clothing and had long curly hair (stern?).  Much like our friend The Masked Rider, the Cavs sound like nothing more than men in tights.

I’m really torn with this pick.  The research leads me to believe that the Cavs would resemble Shaggy (link to Becki?) to the Albany Scoobies (shaggy) rather than an enemy.  And if you’ve never seen a Great Dane (great dane) up close, they could seriously put your whole head (lions mouth) in their mouths without even bending down.  I’m convinced.  Edge: Albany Great Danes

2:35 PM ET  No. 12 Long Beach State 49ers at No. 5 Tennessee Volunteers

Of course, the 49ers are named after the folks who headed up the California Gold Rush (the band) of 1848.  At first, some 300,000 people went back to Cali and made a big score at and around the Sutter Mill.  But greed quickly drew many more settlers to the west coast and the area was quickly overmined.  So, the white gold diggers (ho) spread like weeds and pushed out the current settlers: the Native Americans (surprise, surprise).  The Native Americans attacked in an effort to preserve their land, but the white man had too much fire power (read: guns) and the Native Americans were slaughtered.  You know, you’d think that the PC police would be less concerned with those mascots who serve as a tribute to the Native Americans and more concerned with the schools who idolize those folks who actually had a hand in the slaughter.  Sometimes we just concentrate on the wrong things… (escapa)

Conversely, the Volunteers were motivated by pride, not greed.  These average Joes loaded up their muskets and played a huge role in the War of 1812.  According to history books, the Vols had a hand in the Battle of New Orleans, where 385 Brits were killed to the U.S.’s 13.  Still, as an old football coach once told me, “If you ain’t cheating, you ain’t trying.”  The insatiable greed that cause the 49ers to uproot their families in search of wealth and then kill those in there way makes for an uneasy feeling in my stomach.  While the Vols have heart, I could see the 49ers emploring some nasty tricks to kill their counterparts and, before they’re even in the ground, sleep with their widowed wives. Edge: Long Beach State 49ers

2:50 PM ET  No. 10 Creighton Blue Jays at No. 7 Nevada Wolf Pack

Blue Jays sure are purtty, but I don’t think that will help them against a pack of wolves.  The bright blue feathers don’t exactly act as a camouflage.

But blue birds make me think of Zip-ah-dee-do-dah.  Zip-ah-dee-do-dah makes me think of Disney.  Disney makes me think of Splash Mountain and the Briar Patch.  I swear, when I was there with my family, the little figurines in that ride kept singing over and over again: “Pretty good, show us your balls.”  Anyone know what the lyrics to that song actually are?  Edge: Nevada Wolf Pack

ST. LOUIS REGION 12:25 PM ET  No. 10 Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets at No. 7 UNLV Runnin’ RebelsI freaking hate bees.  When I was 8, I drove my big wheel right into an underground nest of yellow jackets and they stung the bee-jesus out of me (cue the laugh track).  20 something stings in all. I still scream like a girl when I see one.UNLV is a case of another school swapping mascots midstream.  The old mascot was named Beauregard.  Bo was a black and white wolf dressed in a Confederate uniform.  In fact, the mascot was created as a jab at the Wolf Pack of Nevada, who had a Northern looking wolf.  It took the genius school administrators a few decades to realize that they may appear slightly racist by promoting a member of the “wrong side” of the civil war, but they eventually did come to their senses and implemented Hey Reb, who is designed to represent a Colonial-like Rebel soldier.

In this Man vs. Insect battle, I’m going to have to confront my fears and believe that Georgia Tech has the best shot.  Think about it:  the EpiPen wasn’t around during the 1800s.  If a swarm of bees can get to the Rebs, they simply don’t have the medical advancements to combat the effects of multiple stings.  They better turn into the Out Runnin’ Rebels and fast.  Unless UNLV can turn this game into a track meet, GTech will buzz into the next round.  Edge: Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets

2:35 PM ET  No. 11 Winthrop Eagles at No. 6 Notre Dame Fighting Irish ND always has trouble with those damned Eagles (BC vs. ND stats).  But this is a different opponent.  These eagles have come into the tournament as a cocky, elitist bunch, having been given their highest ever NCAA seed.  But they are forgetting one thing: drunken Irish men will fight anything.  If Mics will regularly beat their women, then they won’t have any problem in punching the Christ out of a “majestic” bird.  In fact, I could see this being a new drinking game in the pub: chug a couple of pints and see who can be the first to shatter the beak.  Then go home and impregnate the missus.  Edge: Notre Dame Fighting Irish

4:55 PM ET  No. 14 Miami (OH) Red Hawks at No. 3 Oregon Ducks I did mention this (link to post) before, but this is absolutely a true story.  Senior year of college, we lived in a dorm called the Mods that had a shared backyard  During Springtime, two ducks began nesting in our backyard.  One appeared to have an injured wing, because he chilled all night and day under a bush, never flying more than a few inches off the ground.  We bought a large bag of seed and dumped it on the patio and he would waddle out at times to grab some grub.   We named him Saul.

One day, a freaking hawk came out of no where and sunk its talons right into the back of Saul, pinning him down to the ground (the other duck flew off like a coward).  For the next hour or so, the hawk wore out the duck by pecking at its neck, head, and back while digging his claws deeper and deeper into Saul’s body.  Every once in a while, Saul would muster up the strength to try and fly away, but he would only get a few feet off the ground before plummeting back to Earth.  The whole time, the hawk remained perched on Saul’s back, never wavering.

Of course, like the sick fucks that we are, 10-12 of us were outside drinking beer, watching in awe, periodically chanting until the Hawk successfully separated Saul’s head from his body.  My friend Abe took some National Geographic-esque photos, but he’s living in South Africa now and I think he lost them. Uka Agbai was also there wearing a neck brace.  Uka, do you remember that?  (Great line: “I’m not going over there.  Shits got talons!”)

Oh yea, and it was Parent’s Weekend.  Across the way at the girls’ Mod, one Mother eventually came out with a bucket of water and threw it on the pair, attempting to separate them.  This only caused the hawk to dig in deeper.  She then proceeded to yell at us for not helping the duck.  Hey lady, it’s nature.  If we helped Saul, not only would one animal have died but another would have gone without dinner.  We should have thrown the bird seed at her to see if the hawk would attack her next.  Edge: Miami (OH) Red Hawks 7:20 PM ET  No. 9 Purdue Boilermakers at No. 8 Arizona Wildcats

This match up does nothing for me.  A Boilermaker is a trained craftsman who produces steel fabrications.  The name comes from manufacturers who would fabricate boilers.  Seabass made it sound so much cooler.

Wildcats are wildcats; we’ve covered that.  Honestly, I can’t ever see these two fighting in a real life scenario.  The only thing I have to go on is this: after a long day of work, the Boilermaker stops of at the local bar to have some, what else, boilermakers.  After 3 or 4 of them, Rosie starts to look good.  In order to avoid a tongue lashing from the wife, the Boilermaker jumps in his F-150 and buzzes home.  Since it’s trash day, he decides to play slalom with the trashcans.  His first round is nearly flawless and as he takes the second course on School Street, he hears a horrible squeal coming from the fifth group of cans.  Wildcat, smush.  Edge: Purdue Boilermakers

SAN JOSE REGION
7:10 PM ET  No. 12 Illinois Fighting Illini at No. 5 Virginia Tech Hokies At this time, I’d like to turn serious for a moment.  I’ve made a lot of tongue-and-cheek comments today, some of those may be insulting to certain people.  But now I’d like to recognize a moment of silence in memory of an American Icon: Chief Illiniwek.  On Tuesday, the University caved into PC pressure and voted to rescind the Chief as the school’s mascot.

Now, Chief Illiniwek was a fictional character, named after a group of six Native American tribes known as the Illiniwek.  During halftime of games, Chief Illiniwek would entertain the crowd with a traditional (and rather horrible) dance.  Some deemed this action as a process that perpetuated stereotypes and hate.  Yes, not all Native Americans wear headdresses and dance around, so we shouldn’t instill this image in our children.  Well it’s a good thing then that all Irish people like to kick the shit out of each other or we’d probably have a potato gun war on our hands.Seriously though, how can one group ban a dancing Indian and allow another savage Indian to ride a horse onto the center of a field and chuck a flaming spear into the ground?  I mean everyone knows that Native Americans are too drunk to ride horses.

As for the Hokies, this is another fictional character derived from and old VTech fight song.  I wonder if this is this first time ever that two imaginary mascots matched up against each other. But no matter how many magical powers a turkey-like Hokie possesses, the spirit of Illiniwek lives on and he will not allow the Illini to go quietly into the night.

Besides, if Thanksgiving taught us one thing, it’s that Indians eat turkeys. Click here to see the Chief’s final dance and to experience what the fuss was all about. Edge: Illinois Fighting Illini

9:30 PM ET  No. 9 Villanova Wildcats at No. 8 Kentucky Wildcats     VS.   What do you think?  I think whoever designed UK’s mascot should be fired.  Nova moves on! Edge: Villanova Wildcats9:30 PM ET  No. 13 Holy Cross Crusaders at No. 4 Southern Illinois Salukis

To answer everyone’s question, a Saluki is a breed of dog that is a member of the sighthound family.  This means that they hunt by sight, not scent (creative name! Opium mustn’t have hit the mainstream yet).  It’s an extremely old dog breed that originates from the Middle East.  To sum it all up, it’s a weird looking dog.

The Da Vinci Code has certainly warped the masses’ opinions about the Crusades, but in the end, it was a violent time in the church’s history where they waged a series of military conflicts from 1095-1291.  Whatever they were searching for, they sure took it out on those Muslims.  I’m so glad that we’ve been able to put these differences behind us almost 1000 years later.

The Crusaders come to the party with Swords, Shields, Helmets, and, the coolest of all, chain mail.  Ain’t no way a wimpy looking dog is biting through that stuff.  And, since we know just how much the Christians hate the Middle Easterners, the Crusaders will have a little extra motivation to slaughter this pup. Upset city, baby!
U.S.A.! U.S.A.!  Edge: Holy Cross Crusaders

EAST RUTHERFORD REGION

7:25 PM ET  No. 13 New Mexico State Aggies at No. 4 Texas Longhorns

It seems like every other mascot that I research makes me shake my head in disbelief.  I want to go on the record right now saying that The Greatest Generation gave birth to The Worst Generation.  The Baby Boomers are really trying their damnedest to suck the fun out of life and ruin everything.  Maybe I will actually continue to blog after March Madness is over and expose The Worst Generation.

The reason for my digression: NMSU’s teams have always been known as the Aggies, a nickname referencing the school’s agricultural history.  Their mascot was known as Pistol Pete – a cowboy-looking gent who rocked a pistol.  Well, in 2005, the school decided that they wanted to give their national image a makeover, so they replaced Pete’s pistol (his namesake, mind you) with a lasso (FG twinkie vid).  A freaking lasso.

I can see the logic here: let’s trade in the relatively sophisticated weapon of death for a more barbaric weapon of torture and eventual death.  Not only are we still violent, but we’re dumb hicks, too! It only took NMSU a year to realize just how retarded this move was, and they let ol’ Petey have his pistol back in 2oo6.  Still the damage has been done.

Before uncovering this information, I was leaning toward a Longhorn victory anyway.  I mean, if the Aggies are all about agriculture, then they definitely need the Longhorns to survive or the fields won’t be plowed.  But if the Aggies are afraid to use their pistols, then there’s no way that they can make a loop wide enough to fit around the heads of the longhorns.  Edge: Texas Longhorns

9:45 PM ET  No. 12 Arkansas Razorbacks at No. 5 USC Trojans

I’m getting tired, so this is how I’m going to end Round One: “I’m gonna bleed you like a stuck pig.”  Edge: USC Trojans

Thursday’s Early Games – Man vs. Beast

The moment you’ve all been waiting for.  Below are my first picks for the tournament.  As a reminder, the 1 and 2 seeds all get an automatic bid into the Second Round, which is too bad because I would have liked to have seen the “Disrespected” Purple Eagles clash talons with the Jayhawks.  Ohio St., UNC, Kansas, Florida, Memphis, Georgetown, Wisconsin, and UCLA all move on.  Following are my picks for the Thursday games, grouped by region:

ST. LOUIS REGION 

12:20 PM ET  No. 13 Davidson Wildcats at No. 4 Maryland Terrapins 

This is how I like it.  Right out of the gate we have an interesting matchup against two backwoods warriors . Another reason I like this matchup is because it immediately exposes the intricacies of this March Mascot method.  Now, some less educated folk would take one look at this game and move the Wildcats into Round 2 without another thought (and yes, I’m just bitter ’cause she stole my idea).  But have you ever actually looked up the definition of a “wildcat”?. It’s a small to midsized wild cat.  Brilliant!  I wish someone could explain to me why this is such a popular mascot.  Sure, it sounds scary at first, but my grandmother has a wildcat living in her backyard down in St. Croix and the thing is a pussy. 

The Terrapins evoke an opposite initial assumption: slow, old, stupid.  But Testudo,
Maryland’s Mascot, is a badass Diamondback Snapping Turtle . While this North American Emydidae is an edible dish , have you ever encountered a large snapping turtle in real life?  Effing frightening.  I have 11 words for you: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Two, the Secret of the Ooze, Tokka. Chuck Berry put it best in the lyrics to My Dingaling.     

Definitions aside, there’s no way in hell that a wildcat’s teeth can penetrate a snapper’s shell.  The terp will chill in its shell until the wildcat dies of a combination of eventual starvation and stupidness.  Maryland will shutdown Davidson defensively, starving them for hoops.  Edge: Maryland Terrapins.  

2:40 PM ET No. 12 Old Dominion Monarchs at No. 5 Butler Bulldogs 

ODU enters as the cockiest team in the field of 65 by far.  “We are the Old Dominion Absolute Rulers!!!  YAY!”  And instead of just having their mascot be a King with a Crown, they insult our intelligence by pretending to be a bunch of Lions.  What a clever pun.  Christ.  They should just change it to the ODU Giant Douches.    

I’ve always liked bulldogs.  Despite their poor immune systems, there’s something about those little guys that scream toughness.  The British used to use these stocky dogs in a bloodsport called Bull-baiting.  Essentially, the Brits would tie a bull to a post and then have trained fighting bulldogs jump up and attempt to suffocate the pull by latching onto its snout (although, I must say, this does sound kind of cool).  Did you know that they had cruelty to animals votes back in 1802?  But of course, the Giant Douches defeated the anti bull-baiting law that year and didn’t get around to realizing it was immoral until 30 years later.   

Since the bulldog is often a symbol of integrity and honor, the ODU Giant Douches wouldn’t dare harm an animal that provides such a high status symbol.  Man’s best friend prevails by default.  Edge: Butler Bulldogs. 

EAST RUTHERFORD REGION

12:25 PM ET No. 10 Texas Tech Red Raiders at No. 7 Boston College Eagles 

Even if you don’t think the blog is entertaining, if nothing else, you’ll learn something here. 

Did you know that Texas Tech has two mascots?  Tech’s original mascot is known as The Masked Rider.  He appeared in 1936 when George Tate led the football team onto the field on an ebony horse that he stole as a prank.  Much like Herpes Simplex II, the trend quickly spread.  However, in the 1970’s the Southwest Conference banned live mascots from appearing at home games unless the host school allowed it (around the same time, the Southwest banned evolution from being taught in schools – I’m not sure if they ever caught up after that one).  Hence, the school unveiled Raider Red, a Yosemite Sam-like mascot.  Raider Red isn’t so bad, adorning an oversized cowboy hat and a pair of six shooters.  But the original Masked Rider wins my award for the gayest mascot ever.  He’s like Zorro pronounced with a lisp. 

BC enters the tourney with the standard eagle and, much like Tech, originally had a live animal as a mascot.  The first were two eagles given as a gift.  According to Wikipedia, one escaped and the other broke its beak trying.  Next, Boston College housed Margo the Eagle, who died in 1966 of a virus (I’m guessing from the name that the virus was related to diabetes and heart disease).  Since the Bald Eagle has become an endangered species, the Eagles have now unleashed Baldwin the Eagle to the collegiate world.  Baldwin has been well received by the fair-weathered Eagle fan base.  

As for the matchup, Tech is surely suffering from a case of dual personalities.  There’s an internal struggle between the ever manly Raider Red and his eternally effeminate counterpart, Masked Rider.  Tech will have locker room issues  for sure and the Masked Rider with cry off into the sunset after the Eagle tears a hole in his satin cape and poops in his hat. Edge:  Boston College Eagles  

2:40 PM ET No. 14 Oral Roberts Golden Eagles at No. 3 Washington State Cougars 

It would have been better if they were the Oral Roberts Incisors.  I’m sure there’s a sexual innuendo in there somewhere too, but it’s 11:15 at night and I had a brain burner of a day, so I’m fried. Instead, the school went with the Golden Showers Eagles. They do get extra points for whoever designed their logo.  Looks like Foghorn Leghorn if he worked out with Greg Anderson. 

Cougars are cool.  I was a cougar in Pop Warner and those were by far my best years.  Not only are Cougars slick looking, but they even feed on large cattle and horses.  This is a no brainer. Edge:Washington State Cougars

5:00 PM ET No. 11 George Washington Colonials at No. 6 Vanderbilt Commodores 

In my opinion, this is the toughest pick of the round.  This is our first human vs. human matchup and, coincidentally, these two groups of people are actually from the same era.  It’s a Mascot Madness Miracle.   Now anyone who read a 3^rd grade history book is relatively familiar with America’s original 13 colonies.  And those of us who were privileged enough to take that 8^th grade class trip to Williamsburg/DC may even have seen someone make a candle or relieve themselves in a wooden chair!  These were our most industrious ancestors.   

A Commodore is the second highest rank that one can obtain in the Naval Forces. This is a hardworking, stern man who has made himself into a leader (think Commodore Norrington).  Sounds like a hell of a fight if a bunch of these bad asses show up.  However, this definition is not where Vandy gets its mascot name.  Vanderbilt was named after the American entrepreneur Cornelius Vanderbilt who made his money in the shipping and railroad trades.  Since he “commanded” a fleet of merchants, he earned the nickname Commodore (fast fact, Cornelius married his cousin  in 1813 and they had sex at least 13 times).  All in all, he sounds like an elitist, sicko wimp to me.  However, Vandy does get bonus points for having Lionel Richie on the squad.      

So since the Commodores in this case are sea merchants, we’re going to have to go with GW in this one.  I mean, hey, we’ve all heard what those drunken colonials did in the Boston
Harbor and we’ve seen how much ass they can kick in The Patriot.  Did you know that for inspiration in that movie, Mel Gibson envisioned himself as a soldier in Auschwitz?  True story. Edge: George Washington Colonials  

7:20 PM ET No. 9 Michigan State Spartans at No. 8 Marquette Golden Eagles 

Since I’ve already explained my new found love for Sparta in a recent post and I’ve already bounced one set of Golden Eagles from the tourney, I’m going to have to go withMichigan
State in this one. 

The only way I can see Marquette pulling it out is if the Eagles are able to get under the Spartans man skirts and pecker the peckers with their peckers.  Then again, Spartans do have balls of steel.  Edge:Michigan State Spartans.    

 SAN ANTONIO REGION 12:40 PM ET No. 11 Stanford Cardinal at No. 6 Louisville Cardinals 

And you thought the Masked Rider was confused (andy dick). Cardinal vs. Cardinals.  I seriously think the Selection Committee is screwing with me.   

I’m not going to lie: there are going to be some inconsistencies in my comments.  I’m sticking with what works, so unless you have something amusing to say, don’t say it at all.  I bring this up because according to my sources, Stanford has had 3 mascots over the years and I’ll be forced to choose one.   In 1930, the school adopted the “Indians” as their mascot.  In ‘72, President Richard Lyman instituted that the name be dropped after Native American objections.  Since cardinal had been the school’s color since the 1800’s, the school was known as the Cardinals from 72-81.  Follow?  It gets better.  Even though this is a plural word, Cardinals referred to the color, not the bird (BWAH?!?).  In ‘81, someone decided to smarten up and drop the “S.”  But after all of this, since Stanford was one of the first to play the P.C. card and drop the Indian moniker, they made themselves known as the original tree huggers. From this forbidden love, the albatross known as the Stanford Tree was born.  One part Redwood, one part Charles Thatcher.    

Unlike Stanford, Louisville got it right the first time.  They are the Cardinals; a bird, plain and simple.  Honestly, the only better draw that Louisville could have hoped for would have been Creighton (Blue Jays).  And since I’m picking the Stanford Tree as the mascot in this game, the Cardinals pick away at the bark (and the lead that Stanford will amass early) and crap all over the tree.  Edge: Louisville      

3:00 PM ETNo. 14 Pennsylvania Quakers at No. 3 Texas A&M Aggies 

Quakers….hahahahahahahahahahaha.  Are they serious?  Tis a sucky mascot me thinks.  They should construct their arena in the shape of a barn and have the fans wear chastity belts in support.  They could make a lot of noise if they banged on their crotches with their fists.     

I’ll wait until next round to look up the definition of an Aggie.  For this game, I won’t need it. Edge: Texas A&M Aggies. 

9:30 PM ETNo. 9 Xavier Musketeers at No. 8 Brigham Young Cougars 

I’m starting to really like Xavier.  We’re all relatively familiar with the definition of a Musketeer, but for those who haven’t seen Martin Short’s second best film, Musketeers were early French soldiers who where equipped with, eh hem, muskets.  They also carried long swords with them into battle.  Since the French were such pussies, if they missed their opponent with their gun, the sword allowed them to still defend themselves while cowering in terror.  Most of the time, the opponent was so excited that the bullet missed him – mainly because gunpowder was a relatively new and magical thing – that he would then charge haphazardly right into the blade.  

Xavier also has an ace in the hole.  Along side their traditional mascot, D’Artagnan, stands the amorphous Blue Blob Blue Blob looks a lot like a more out of shape Grimmace.  Or maybe if Grimmace had gasternol bypass surgery and was carrying around Jared from Subway skin (coincidentally, Blue Blob is legitimately my new nickname on my indoor soccer team – changed from Blue Streak).     

While we have already covered the Cougars and given them a star rating, I’m not sure if a cougar can compete with men with guns and swords.  Even if the Musketeers aren’t good shooters, they can fend the Cougars in close.  Look for Xavier to shoot poorly, but play solid defense in a brutal game.  Edge: Xavier 

SAN JOSE REGION 

7:10 PM ET No. 11  Virginia Commonwealth Rams at No. 6 Duke Blue Devils 

Every year that I use this method, I’m going to run into one fundamental problem: can anyone beat a Blue Devil?  Aside from the Providence Friars or the Holy Cross Crusaders, there aren’t any mascots who can matchup at first glance.  Normally, I wouldn’t mind putting Duke right into the Final Four, but this year’s team isn’t Laettner’s Dukies, so I did a little more research into the Blue Devils. 

As it turns out, the Duke Blue Devils have nothing to do with satanic worship.  The name Blue Devil comes from the French Chasseurs Alpins Soldiers in World War I.  These French ninnies wore tight fitting blue uniforms and flowing capes.  They topped off the ensemble with a blueberry beret.  This was actually going to be the original title to Prince’s 1985 hit, but he had a hard time saying it 3 times fast.  

Since the game is being played in Buffalo during the cold months, I initially thought the Rams had an advantage.  However, the Alpin Soldiers were specifically trained to fight in mountainous terrain and in urban areas, thereby neutralizing home field advantage. As much as it pains me to move them forward, it appears as though the Blue Devils will be able to ward off the charging Rams with their weapons (Dukies are such cheaters).  It will be a close game, though.  Edge: Duke Blue Devils   

9:30 PM ET  No. 14 Wright State Raiders at No. 3 Pittsburgh Panthers 

I was really amped to put my first true upset into the Second Round, but apparently Wright State is also a bunch of hippies.  Check this out from Wiki: “For many years,Wright State’s sports teams used a character called Rowdy Raider as their mascot; a red-bearded Viking with a horned helmet. Recently, the university, seeking a non-gender-specific mascot, adopted a wolf as its mascot.”  What the hell is wrong with people?  I mean, I understand if some folks find certain mascots offensive, but this is crossing the line.  Using this reasoning, the school should change their name to the Wright State Trannies.  Society is frustrating. 

So this game went from a Wright State blowout into a close matchup.  However, due to the hunting styles of Panthers vs. the hunting styles of a wolf pack, I’m going to have to stick with Wright State on this one.  The wolves have the edge in terrain, weather and sheer will.  Edge: Wright State Raiders

9:45 PM ET No. 10 Gonzaga Bulldogs at No. 7 Indiana Hoosiers 

We’ve covered the Bulldog already and, again, they are fortunate to matchup against another human opponent.  From what I’ve uncovered, in colonial America, “cracker” and “hoosier” were slang terms to identify white farmers who did not own slaves.  This didn’t mean that they weren’t racist, but mostly they didn’t own large plantations.  Since Indiana was home to many of these small farms nestled in between the hills, the name Hoosier stuck.  However, since many of these farmers had small crops, they were often poor and conversely, illiterate.  So in the 1800’s, Hoosier referred to a slow-witted white farmer who was poor and uncouth.  Yet, it’s not considered a derogatory term in Indiana …

On the other hand, bulldogs are pretty smart.  Additionally, bulldogs are a symbol of cash and culture.  Therefore, I don’t think a poor white farmer would ever harm a rich tourist’s dog, for fear of losing his home.  Edge: Gonzaga Bulldogs

“300″ – Clarification

The number 1 legit question I’ve received so far following today’s post (behind, “Why in the world did you post those man boobs?!?”) was, “So, how was 300?” 

Before I answer this question, I need to clarify something: the Four-Cheese pizza that I ordered at Pizzeria Uno really, really, really did a number on my stomach. I’ve honestly never been in more pain in my life – this includes a dislocated shoulder, vice grips locked on my ass thanks to my brother Chris, and sitting through the movie “It’s Pat” in its entirety waiting for a funny line.  I had 4 serious wave bouts where I actually considered leaving the theatre and heading to the bathroom.  Keep in mind, leaving the theater in mid-movie is a sin in my book. 

Anyway, it’s a guy’s movie, with plenty of decapitations and limb slicing action.  The CGI graphics are amazing, and I’m the type of person who normally hates computer graphics (anyone who saw the “remastered” versions of E.T. and Star Wars should agree).  It’s also Rated R for reasons other than violence, which is a bonus in my book. 

The script was decent, but I thought parts were a bit slow.  Again, this may be because time was nearly at a stand still as my toes curled in terror and pain at the acid eating away at my esophagus.  Too much information?  Too bad.  I had to sit through it, so now you do too.  I think I showed tremendous will power and control of my body.  Suggestion for National Amusements: you should pump the surround sound into the bathrooms too so people can go in peace.  

 Still, if you’re looking for a pump up movie, I’d recommend it.

Selection Sunday…

by dilo capo 

The brackets are in.  I watched part of the Selection Sunday special at Pizzeria Uno bar while eating dinner with a few friends (Nick I still owe you money).  We had two of the loudest, most annoying bartenders in the world, so we couldn’t hear a lot over their cackling, but here are my first impressions:

1. ‘Cuse got screwed:  They play hard, can beat anyone on any given day, and are the only team to have beaten G’Town (my real pick to win it all) in the last 16 games.  However, for the purposes of my little experiment, I couldn’t be happier.  I mean, how the hell could an orange beat anyone?  Perhaps the selection committee was reading this blog last night and used this reasoning as the final “in or out” point.  The only way ‘Cuse could win a game in my system is if  they squirt acid in the eyes of their opponents.  Pulp can move, baby! (*A great way to spend Saturday afternoon: play NCAA College Football from EA Sports and choose Mascot Mode.  Play Syracuse vs. Alabama and watch those oranges get rolled around the field.)
2. Favorite Mascot Name of the Tourney:  Last year this was an easy choice, as the Witchita State Shockers went dancing.  But this year, the field is a bit redundant and uncreative (see below).  My first thought was to give the nod to the North Texas Mean Green because my initial hope was that it had something to do with Dr. Robert Bruce Banner.  Then, I thought perhaps it’s a reference to Mean Joe Greene (keeping in mind that most Texans can’t spell) – but no dice.  In reality, they are the Mean Green Eagles…and now officially out of my bracket.  For the 2007 tourney, my award for the favorite mascot would have to go to the Albany Great Danes.  Not only does my neighbor have a Great Dane named Onyx that reminds me of one of the greatest one-hit-wonders of all time, but Scooby Doo was a Great Dane.  Enough said.  Runners up: Florida A&M Rattlers, Vandy Commodores, and Purdue Boilermakers.
3. Recurring Mascot Names:  I reviewed the St. Louis bracket first and quickly noticed that there were two “Wildcats” in the top half of the bracket, so I started to keep tally of how many times the same mascot appeared.  Here it goes: 
   1.  Eagles (6) : Who knew eagles came in this many colors? BC and Winthrop (just “Eagles”), Oral Roberts and Marquette (Golden Eagles), Niagra (Purple Eagles), and North Texas (Mean Green Eagles).  Interesting note: there are three eagles in the East Rutherford bracket.
   2. Wildcats (5): Arizona, Davidson, Kentucky, Villanova, and Weber State.
   3. Bulldogs (3): Butler, Gonzaga, and G’Town (am including them here for now)
   4. Blue Devils (2): Duke and Central Conn. State (thank God that they are a 16 seed)
   5. Aggies (2): Texas A&M and New Mexico State.
   6. Tigers (2): Memphis and Jackson State.
   7. Bruins (2): UCLA and Belmont
4. I’m an asshole: It seriously took me a couple seconds to pronounce (in my head) “Colonels.”  I had to think back to my Stratego days to remember.  Who the hell thought to spell it that way anyway?  Was it just a typo by a dying man on the battlefield? Either way, I felt like Rev. Bob Levy.   
5. Interesting first round games:
   1. Kentucky Wildcats vs. Villanova Wildcats (FYI, I hate Tubby Smith)
   2. Stanford Cardinal vs. Louisville Cardinals (Can anything out of Stanford be normal?)
   3. UNLV Running Rebels vs. Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets (“He was running from a bee” – extra points for anyone who can cite that quote)
   4. Tennessee Volunteers vs. Long Beach State 49ers (One playing for the love of the game, the other for money)
   5. Oregon Ducks vs. Miami Ohio Redhawks (No word of a lie, senior year of college we watched a hawk devour a duck in our back yard.  It was the third coolest thing I’ve ever seen (here’s two).  Uka Agbai was there – he can vouch.
6. I shouldn’t have seen “300″ last night: I was so fired up that I have Michigan State winning it all.  I’m not sure if it was a good movie or if I was just blinded by all the unneccessary and gratuitous nipple shots.  Apparently Spartan women are very flat chested, as opposed to their male counterparts (sorry about this one). 

I guess I’ll get to work tonight on the first round games.  It’ll be a miracle if I’m not fired by next week. 

March Mascot Bracket Born – Rhyme and Reason

Let’s first qualify this by saying that I’ve never written a blog before (although I have appeared in them).  In fact, I was going to start this blog last year, but a combination of “not knowing how,” a gambling problem, a new subscription to Cinemax, and sheer laziness prevented this from happening.  But I did pick a March Madness bracket using this method in ‘06 and it actually outperformed my real one.  Actually,  if I didn’t BS myself out of a few wins, I would have had George Mason in the Final Four.   Anyway, let me get to it and explain what the hell I’m talking about…

March Madness is my favorite time of year.  I consider myself a novice college bball fan (more novice now since I’ve stopped gambling), one who will watch the occasion big game between Duke and UNC or Ohio State and Wisconsin, but most of the year is spent following my team (please insert BC/gambling joke here).  However, with this modest knowledge, I expect to be competitive in my office pools every year.  I obsess over the field of 65 until I have a solid grasp of all teams from Florida to Virginia Commonwealth.  But even after all of this, I finish in the middle of the pack – just high enough to keep me interested – and the office floozy who picked her bracket completely based on the team mascot walks away with the dough.  Which she’ll promptly turn around and spend on Bud Pounders and Trojans (ever wonder why they call them “Pounders”?).   

So after roughly 15 years of being a loser, I’ve decided to try and change my luck by picking this year’s bracket solely based on which mascot would win in a real life, mano-a-mano battle royal.  For instance, if the Providence Friars were to face the Duke Blue Devils, Providence would prevail due to their ability to excersize the demons.  Pretty straightforward.

However, since I am in the Public Relations field and enjoy the art of spin, I am going to break each matchup down, game-by-game, and explain (hopefully somewhat humorously) why that team will prevail.  Hopefully I’ll stick to my guns this year and not talk my way out of an obvious “win” (Lions over Wildcats, for example) like I did last year.  So following Selection Sunday on March 11th, I’ll be up late analyzing each team’s mascot, and filling out an entire bracket from start to finish this way.  I’ll also keep a running comparison between this and my “real” bracket, which will likely be housed at work. 

 Now, even though this is for fun, I need to set some ground rules so that this method doesn’t entirely blow up in my face:

1. Number 1 and 2 seeds will automatically be moved into the Round of 32.  Thanks to a great article by ESPN’s Pete Tiernan (Insider’s Only), a #1 seed has never lost to a #16 and a #2 seeds are 84-4 over #15’s since the field expanded to 64 teams.  Like I said, this is for fun, but I’m not crazy (anyone else with me that she’s kind of hot in her mug shot?)
2. Teams that have the same mascot name (UConn and Washington; BC and Winthrop; etc.) will come down to either which school has a cooler mascot uniform (Stanford, you are S.O.L.) or who I think will actually win the game.  This will both depend on my mood and how potentially funny my side comments can be.  Then again, I’m no Bill Simmons, nor do I pretend to be, so please lay off of the “you’re not funny, you’re an ass” comments.  I’m extremely sensitive.
3. I’ll be doing my own research into the history of the school mascots.  If someone finds a fact that is glaringly incorrect, please send the correct info my way.  If the error grossly affects the outcome of the game, I reserve the right to change my bracket.

That’s it.  I’ll provide a round-by-round description of why a team will win the game rather than a whole tourney breakdown so that it’s an easier read.  However, I’ll post both my brackets in JPEG form once I have them filled out so you’ll see that I’m no phony.  Let the madness begin…